courage.

im realizing more and more that courage is something i lack. 

i dont think that i have ever had a problem with it until now (or the past few years). maybe its because ive grown up a little bit, or maybe its because ive begun to care more about how people look at me.

isnt that somehow backwards though? arent you supposed to care so much more about what people think of you when you're young and trying to fit in?

i rarely cared before about what i wore, how i looked, if i would get hurt while sky diving, driving on the freeway, calling people i didnt know, etc.

now im more than apprehensive about most of those things. maybe not so much those sort of trivial things, but things that will help me progress. things that will matter ten years from now.

i think im afraid of failure more than i thought. 

im a graphic artist, but im afraid of how people will perceive what i do, so i dont put it out for the world to see. i dont try.

maybe thats it. maybe im just lazy.

no i think im scared. i lack courage.

i lack courage with my job, my schooling, my calling. so i dont progress as much as i should.

i guess i need to take a good look and search hard for it.

i dont mean for this to be an extremely dreary post as it has become. i have just been thinking about it for the past few days. i think writing it down makes me understand it a little bit better.

much love to you all

i am happy i promise. i am just a chicken and need to try something new.

im overcoming a fear by posting something so weird yet personal! :)

x0x0