Saturday, August 4, 2012

becoming a mom

sam and i have been married for almost 5 years.
5 whole years. it seems like its been so much shorter. sam and i have been on so many adventures together in that time, and life up to this point has only been about him and i. 
but now, here we are those 5 years later, and we have a little boy to think about. we have a little boy that all of the sudden has taken hold of both of our hearts entirely. its during this 5th year that sam and i will start a new kind of love. a love that isnt just about the two of us, but about our little family, our little boy.

im so scared to become a mom. i feel so unprepared for this incredible life changing event to take place. but i am so excited. thinking about holding and loving this little boy that is the most precious gift anyone can receive is mind blowing to me. every time i think about it, my heart explodes with love. this little human inside of me, a perfect mix of me and sam is OURS. how is such an incredible blessing mine? this love, by far outweighs any fear i have of being the type of mother i know i need to be to this baby.

for some reason, i have always had the personality and mind set that doesn't think too far in the future. i am the type of person that thinks about the here and now. its been hard for me to imagine that this is real life. a baby will be born within the next 2 months of my life. and he will be MY responsibility. i am this little boys mom. and because in 2 months, im sure my life will be racing at 100 miles per hour trying to figure out this thing called motherhood, i want to remember these simple, albeit uncomfortable pregnant months. 

my memory definitely isnt one of the best, but i want to remember that my baby kicks most often in the mornings when i wake up and am laying on my side and in the late evening as i sit and wait for sam to get home from work. his itty bitty movements have turned into rolls and pushes like i never thought i'd feel. every single time something is on top of my stomach - like a book or a computer- he pushes up on it. sometimes he gets a bit shy though when it is a hand on my stomach trying to feel those pushes.

the past week has been so much fun to watch my belly make big, random jolts and movements. i can tell he doesnt have as much room to move around, so now we get to see those moves and grooves. 

while we were at the doctor on wednesday, sam and i sat in the waiting room watching in amazement as by belly moved from side to side. its honestly one of the coolest things to see. and i know when those movements are going to happen, because its almost like he gets stuck in one spot and there is a lot of pressure before a big turn or roll. 

i have said it for the past 14 weeks, but this kid has been killing my back. throughout this pregnancy i have been feeling really good, but my back. oy vay! tuesday sam surprised me with a prenatal massage. best gift ever! he has done so much for me. after working LONG days, sometimes he is the one that comes home and cooks me dinner, because i just have to lay in bed for awhile. heat pads, massagers, tylenol, anything i can think of i do. but sometimes it just makes me excited for the next 2 months to fly by.

so many women talk about how much they love pregnancy. its funny really, because even though i have had a great pregnancy i havent loved being pregnant. i almost feel guilty admitting that. i have loved feeling my baby kick and move and love the way my husband looks at me. he is the one that loves me pregnant. every day he tells me how much he loves it. which does make me love it more. but im excited for heartburn, back pain and fatigue to be gone. im sure that fatigue part will stay with me for awhile though while my baby learns how to sleep... 

i know i am just rambling now. i feel like there are so many things i want to remember on this journey to becoming a mom. i have been writing things down in other places, but sometimes typing away as fast as i can is the best resource. 

im so blessed to have the husband i do. this new little family of ours is exactly what i want. and becoming a mom is something ive always dreamed of.