this is how i feel.

it's official. mrs. joni and mr. paul are hitched.

and i can honestly say i am happy.

i haven't been a complete peach about the situation the entire time though.

let me start from the beginning.

since october there had been talk of the possibility of my mom marrying paul. i was ok with the idea of paul, i just wasnt ok with the idea of marriage. at least not before taigen graduated high school and jace got home from his mission.

can you blame me? there were many talks about what should and would happen in the coming months. a possible november or december of 2012 wedding sounded good to us girls. we thought it would be nice for jace to come home and adjust to the new world that surrounded him before another bomb was dropped on his life.

as time creeped on, my opinion became stronger and stronger. i said my peace multiple times and i was firm in what i thought. paul was a good guy, but the happiness of my little brother and sister mattered most to me.

at the time i wasnt thinking of my mom. i wasnt thinking of the loneliness she has been feeling for the past year and a half. and i know she was feeling so lonely.

i was thinking of me. what about my dad being replaced? what about you moving to a new town? what about how i feel?

then christmas time came. i had been praying to know how to handle the situation and how to treat my incredible mother with the love she not only needed, but deserved. i had been having a hard time doing that.

so i went to the temple. wow. the temple can do some amazing things for a person's soul. while i was there i had an understanding that i hadn't had yet...

my mom had been praying, fasting, and pleading with the Lord for answers. she was doing this the right way. and my stubborn attitude was making it impossible for her to listen to the spirit.

each of us had strong opinions in the matter, but i realized i didn't want to be the reason she couldn't listen to the answers she was looking for.

so i gave her my 'permission' i guess. each of us did. jace

included. and on christmas day my mom and paul got engaged. i cried. a lot.

i couldn't believe it was really happening. my mom was going to marry someone else. someone who wasn't my dad.

a march wedding was now on the agenda. march? ok, i can get myself together by march. we can make it a beautiful wedding and we can be happy to be there.

so off i went on vacation. i left on january 3rd. after a week in disney world it was time to board the carnival glory for a week long cruise. the day i was boarding the ship my mom called me. she said she was thinking about moving the wedding up a

bit but wasn't quite sure.

she and paul had a trip planned with some family in hawaii at the end of january and they thought it might be nice to use it as their honeymoon.

honestly, i didn't think it was really going to happen. i just enjoyed my vacation and let the thought leave my mind.. for the most part.

sunday the 15th i stepped onto US soil and turned on my cell phone. i had a text from my little sister saying 'january 22nd? what the!' and thats how i found out my mom would be getting married a week later.

this is getting long isnt it?...

i called my mom. i cried. i realized i was actually really angry about a few things involved in the situation and i said some hurtful things. now, thinking about the way i reacted i cry even more because i feel so terrible. hurting my mom's feelings has ALWAYS been something i have tried not to do. i see her as the most amazing woman and i would never want to hurt her in anyway. but i did. because i was angry. angry that my mom was getting married. angry that i wasn't there to know everything going on. angry that i didnt make her wedding announcement. angry that jace wouldn't be there. angry that my family would be completely different. and angry that the wedding would be in a week.

the week wore on. i talked with my mom. i talked with my husband- a lot. i talked with my aunt jodi. i talked to people i barely knew. and i talked to my Heavenly Father. i cried some more. i said more mean things. an then i apologized to my mom. i tried to start thinking of her and how we could make the day special for her.

heck, she was getting married and i NEEDED to be happy for her. the wedding was coming and i could make things miserable for myself and everyone around me or i could embrace what was happening and do what i could to make the day special.

my sisters, my aunt jodi and i planned a little shower for my mom on saturday. i ordered a necklace for her on etsy that has significant meaning for her and paul and i made her a family print to hang in their home.

while doing all of this i realized i was focusing on the good instead of the {scary} i guess. i realized that there really were soooo many good things about the situation.

paul is amazing. his girls are incredible and his grandkids are to die for. i love them all so much already.

he is also a widower. his family knows the sorrow we feel and we know the sorrow they feel of loosing a parent.

they are NORMAL and they have all of the same family values that we have.

WE ARE LUCKY.

the day of the wedding was hard. we all cried together. but it really was a good day. i am happy that my mom is happy. i am so glad that she has found a best friend to spend the rest of her life on earth with. how lucky that we had the most amazing father and now we have a wonderful step-dad that will continue to teach us and love us.

these are my sisters. there are 6 of us. but dont forget about jace.

this woman is one of my very best friends. im so lucky to have her.

the happy couple

and all of us. its a big family isnt it?

life is about moving forward. we have each lost someone very special to us, but we have also gained so many people to love.